Holding Space: Helping Teens Feel Seen, Heard, and Safe

Teen years are tough. I don’t know anyone who had it easy. It’s a time when kids morph into adults. Bodies are changing. Brains are developing. Relationships are forming. Boundaries are being tested. Authority is being challenged. It’s a tough time.

Growing Pains, Growing People

But it sets the stage for so much “future life.” A lot depends on these years.

Much of the conversation seems to be about encouraging kids to study hard and get good grades, make the team, and win the game. Or “get a scholarship to go to college so you can find a job and become a self-supporting, self-reliant adult.” Sometimes I think we, as parents, give too much attention to all of that—when we should be still with our kids and just listen.

Less Pressure. More Presence.

I’ve been struck lately by two organizations that have spoken volumes on behalf of teenagers. SoundItOutTogether.org gives us glimpses of several kids who feel misunderstood and just need their parents/adults to “listen” as they talk through things. Teens want to ramble and dump their thoughts. And they want their parents/adults to guide them, even when they make mistakes, which they will. We all make mistakes. It’s human nature.

The website's vignettes are heartbreaking but speak volumes. No judgment…just active listening, guidance, and love. It’s not always easy.

Connection Changes Everything

AdoptUSkids.org is a movement to adopt older kids from foster care. Their message is clear: there are older kids who need a family. And they are in foster care or aging out of foster care. The synergy is life-changing… for all parties concerned.

What strikes me in both instances is that the desired relationships are based on “holding space.” Making time to be with each other, sharing an activity where deep conversations organically unfold between teens and adults, wisdom is passed from one person to the next, and trust is forged. And the more conversations there are, the more those kids are apt to look to that adult for advice and guidance. I imagine it’s why grandparents often have a greater impact on kids… they’ve learned how important it is to “hold space” for young people.

When No One Held Space for Them

At Steps to Hope, we encounter many adults who didn’t have a parent or an adult who “held space” for them, or who may have put them in harm’s way. Tragic consequences followed, and the cycles continue.

Love, Boundaries, and the Teen Years

February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month. It’s a time to remember that teens are entering an adult world where relationships are being built. They don’t know what to expect, what to look for, what’s healthy, what’s not. They want to be liked and loved, so where do boundaries fit in? What are boundaries? How do they assert boundaries without losing friends? And what if they do lose friends? How do they go through life when no one likes them? (I’m so glad groups of kids go to prom together without the necessity of dates!) Who can help them through all these questions?

They are looking for a trusted adult with whom they can “connect.” Of course, social media and AI have intensified everything with no guardrails! But many times, “online” is where they find that connection. Tragic!

The Pebble in the Pond Effect

We all remember decisions we made as teenagers—when we really didn’t understand the ripple effect and the long-term impact of our choices. Once we have some “life” under our belts, those recollections surface, and we just might be compelled to go back and make some apologies.

So how do we influence the next generation? How do we know when kids are ready to hear this information? And how do we get them to trust us enough so we can keep them safe, so they don’t seek attention and get mixed up with the wrong people – both online and in person?

Hold Space. Start There.

My suggestion would be to “hold space.” Listen. Plan an activity that invites wonderful conversations to unfold. Hear without judgment. Guide. Give examples of choices and outcomes.

When we trust our kids with our minor failures, hopefully, they will trust us before they make a major one. It’s the foundation of “respect in relationships” and one of the most important things we need to learn. It affects our self-image, self-respect, and self-worth, and sets the stage for our adulthood. It must be taught. It takes time, but it’s worth holding space for.

If you know someone who needs help or shelter, please call Steps to Hope at 828-894-2340 or visit www.StepsToHope.org. We are here to help.